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BishopDon
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Just put out the story for the Lecherous Leech of the world acclaimed Inmates. Just wanted to get some feedback on what people thought...good or bad.
Thought I\'d actually try my hand at story telling (since I like to read a good story).
[edit thanks to Phedre, Big Kudos] Link added for your convenience.
***THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED***
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| 12/21/05 08:11 |
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Phedre_D
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Nice story, BishopDon! Sort of an anti-villain story. Accept he is all too happy to be evil. I like that. I only wondered why he collapsed from the burger or the $20 bill?
And maybe you should add a link in your post. I took me some time to realize it was in the article section.
The GameAmp Noobz Household!
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| 12/21/05 09:19 |
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BishopDon
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| QUOTE | | Nice story, BishopDon! Sort of an anti-villain story. Accept he is all too happy to be evil. I like that. I only wondered why he collapsed from the burger or the $20 bill? |
Good feedback. I was going for the implied drug in food angle. Hence, the whole controlling his actions, money led him to food, which led to poison, etc.
It's a work in progress : )
| QUOTE | | And maybe you should add a link in your post. I took me some time to realize it was in the article section. |
Linking did not come to mind, however, not sure if I know how to do that (PC illiterate on how to do some things...any help on how to is appreciated).
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| 12/21/05 09:50 |
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Phedre_D
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| QUOTE | | QUOTE | | And maybe you should add a link in your post. I took me some time to realize it was in the article section. |
Linking did not come to mind, however, not sure if I know how to do that (PC illiterate on how to do some things...any help on how to is appreciated). |
Go to the webpage that shows article. On top of your browser you should be able to see the address of your article (it is http://cityofvillains.gameamp.com/article/...Article/403.php). Copy (ctlr-c) that line, and now go to your forum post and edit it. Above the text window you see a button called "http://". Click on it and paste (ctrl-v) your address into the popup. After you press enter, you can add something like My story, and press enter again. And voila, your post has a link. You could preview it so see if it came out nice. In the edit window it is just text so you can moved it around, or add text in front or behind the [ URL ] block.
***THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED***
The GameAmp Noobz Household!
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| 12/21/05 10:05 |
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BishopDon
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Thanks for the information. I shall go play with it now.
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| 12/21/05 10:56 |
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KombatJesus
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Nice work Don, this was put together great, it is obvious you took your time on it. This was a very good way of meeting the Leech, they were gonna throw him into a compactor, loooool. Although he does sound like a wimp :) . . .guess all of us villains are not all born with a raging lust for blood and power. Or in your case, souls heh.
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| 12/21/05 12:09 |
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BishopDon
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thank you. Just trying to keep it real...lol, or as real as I can.
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| 12/21/05 12:18 |
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huronblakhart
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Hey Don, 1st off ...good start! I like the whole downward spiral idea the Protagonist spins into. There are jus a few bits of "off-centered"ness ofr me that kinda threw the story in odd places.
I will agree that i too was not sure what had happened to Jim at the diner, with the food. But you say it is a WIP.
What was the major reason for having one of the men tell Jim, the test subject, the 'truth' to Jim's involvement in the project. IMHO, these types of stories work best when the reason is not only a mystery to the 'actor' but the reader as well. It gives the reader a good reason to care (even for a villian) about this characters' plight. I would try having the Man say something like "All in due time subject 23456..." and then as they try to rid of him, without letting him knwo why they are, he feels this energy and bam! as he is 'defending' himself one of the doctors yells out "...the reasearch was correct, he can acheive the power..." then bam dead.
This leaves Jim with a purpose and means to exact revenge all the while giving the reader incentive to come back.
I must say im sorry about the details, but im an artist and this is the way we give crits' to each other...we can ALL only get better when we are try to be honest and constructive with each other, so please dont take this as a slight to your great story. Just some outside-the-box thinking.
Cant wait to read more!
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| 12/21/05 23:40 |
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