honnaja
Posts: 132
Joined: 08/05/2005
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Useful tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard
or fridge by not buying the bloomin’ thing in the first place, you fat git.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.*
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.*
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Olympic athletes.
Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Vegetarians coming to dinner?
Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real Thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner?
Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.
High blood pressure sufferers.
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.*
Nissan Micra drivers.
Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey.
You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you From rolling over and going back to sleep.*
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.*
Fool next-door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls.
Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers!
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.*
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal Coat hanger in an emergency.*
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives.
The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket*
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
:D
Disclaimer:
These are JOKES. Not recommendations. No offence intended. Most are to be taken with ‘tongue in cheek’ and not seriously!
*Do not try this at home!
***THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED***
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| 04/08/06 13:50 |
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LordLurker
Posts: 11
Joined: 08/11/2005
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HeHe yep very good...
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| 04/08/06 14:51 |
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slye_boy
Posts: 81
Joined: 08/13/2005
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lmao that is funny as hell, nice one
See full maps for GW:EN (tarnished coast and north shiverpeaks) here
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| 04/08/06 15:18 |
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Shodan Kai
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Joined: 11/14/2005
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LOL That is pretty funny Honnaja. Good work!
*Userbars by Julia Heartilly
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| 04/08/06 15:21 |
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