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The_Party_Mouse

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Joined: 12/31/1969
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Help.

Okay, I need some tips from people who aren't really nearby.

My GF met someone on a Chat, spent a weekend with him and cheated on me. I knew she was going to do it and told her if she goes there, I'll break up with her. She did, and now she's back, saying she loves me and she wants to be back in my life. We've been together for 2.5 years and living together for 2, and gone through a lot together (I'm a diagnosed schizophrenic, and she's in treatment because borderline syndrome). And yes, I do really love her.

I'm really unsure about what to do now, and I was thinking maybe some feedback from you guys would help me out.

11/15/04 07:12

BDGnome

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Re: Help.

My advice. Listen to your heart. Ignore what the brain says, but don't give her too many chances. I have done just that and yes I got burned once, but everything is better now.

11/15/04 07:52

Furyfire

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Re: Help.

I agree with the Gnome.

11/15/04 08:46

NerdyChick

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Re: Help.

If you are at the point where enough is enough and you just dont have the energy to try to work through it, thats your cut off point. If you are still willing to work it out, and so is she, then do so. Love is a rare thing, and people make mistakes. The wonderous thing about being a human, is the ability to forgive and forget. It takes work though.

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11/15/04 09:11

MMORadioGremlin

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Re: Help.

That's a tough question. And I'd say it depends on you and how you feel about it.

Can you forgive her and forget it happened?

If you can, then take her back and put some thought into going to a marriage counciler. There's a reason for everything, and seeing a marriage counciler might help you talk through why it happened and help make your relationship stronger so it doesn't happen again.

But, if you can't forgive her and forget it happen, then it will end up being a trust issue and you'd be better off taking a break from each other. Rebuilding trust can be tough and a lot of work for both of you.

11/15/04 12:12

The_Party_Mouse

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Joined: 12/31/1969
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Re: Help.

Thanks for the Feedback, you've confirmed lots of what I've been thinking (Well, except for the marriage counselor, we're both too busy with our therapies, jobs/university to invest even more time and money into that, maybe if we can't work it out on our own).

I told her I would take her back in, but added one or two "ifs" and "buts". Now it's her turn to decide if she's willing to accept them.

11/15/04 14:05

TK_237

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Re: Help.

Well here goes my 2 copper on the issue at hand...

I have a real problem trusting someone after something like mentioned happens. Yes i can say i will forgive and forget all i want. But allways in the back of my mind there will be that doubt. In short my opinion is if it happens once it will happen again. So to said person "Move Along, Move Along"

Depression is merely anger without Enthusiasm.....

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11/15/04 14:15

Metallica_Dan

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Re: Help.

Ouch, yes I agree with what has been said... Regarding listening to your heart, and people do make mistakes...

But the thing that bothers me most of what you said is that it wasn't an impulsive thing that happened, you knew she was going out to cheat on you, you warned her about the consequences if she did and she chose to ignore them.

So is she really sorry? Or did she know you'd be a nice guy and just take her back and she can get away with whatever she wants?

I don't know, I don't really know you or her, so I don't know your personality... But it's soemthing to think about.

Regardless, I hope things work out with you and you find happiness. Relationships aren't easy.

Those people who tell you not to take chances,
They are all missing on what life is about.
You only live once, so take hold of the chance.
Don't end up like others, the same song and dance.

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11/16/04 15:01

jjcooll

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Re: Help.

I couldn't have said it better than Metallica-Dan. So I won't even try. I agree with him wholeheartedly.

I personally could not forgive somebody for such an act of open disrespect, especially after 2.5 years.

Whatever you decide, I definitely hope you find solace (sp?).

11/16/04 18:11

Sapphire_Gypsy

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Re: Help.

alright my 2p

I've been in her shoes... I didn't cheat by any means... but I had a friend on the net who I was able to be myself with, I was with my ex for 2.5 years like you... his family was very religious and so in order to stay with him I had to stifle many of my more colorful traits. Which I didn't do around my family, friends, and with my internet friend (who was btw a girl... but I don't think he ever knew that cause her name was Ryan... anyway)

Anytime there was a fight I was always reminded that he didn't feel comfortable progressing forward with me because he felt I was hiding too much of myself... mind you I hid these things at his request.

My point is... We broke up... I'd gotten tired of hiding who I was for him... it wasn't worth it... but the reason I was seeking someone else was that I needed an outlet for something. I HAD to be myself somewhere, with someone. Now I'm not saying that this is your GF's reason... but there must have been some reason that she found this other person.

If you were the only person she'd ever felt like she does with then she might have needed someone else to verify it... trying to reproduce a situation with someone else to verify what you think is true is infact true.

She loves you... and ultimatly it should be YOUR decision not hers. You were the one who was betrayed. You have to decide if there is a way that she can ever regain your trust. AND another big tip I'll give you... if you "forgive" her, but constantly throw the betrayal back at her 1. you never really forgave her, and 2. she'll grow to resent it.

Forgiveness is the willingness to never bring up the betrayal ever again... as if it never happened.

If you don't think that you can do it... then you need to have a serious talk with her... tell her how it felt to be betrayed like that. If she knows how it made you feel... then maybe she can really understand.

We woman are feeling creatures... we need to hear the words "When you did (insert wronging here) it made me feel like (insert feeling here)." And you can't be vague, you can't say it made me feel like crap.... have you ever really felt crap???? Be concrete. IE: "When you told me that I wasn't being honest with you, it made me feel like you were attacking me." Something like that. Sonething we can understand

Ok... enough free relationship advise... Truly though I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. But remember YOU decide!

***THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED***

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11/16/04 18:37

DanananAmarynth

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Re: Help.

My 2p if they are still needed.... is listen to her then your friends then sit down and really think it over somewhere quiet only you can decide this we can only give advice... but if she truely loves you and you her that is one of the rarest things ever trust me ive had it once and she was taken from all of us a crime i think the bastard shoulda died for and many agree(please excuse my french) if it is true love fight for it if not..... well enough of an old man blathering on

Not all things which are counted count, and not all things which count can be counted....

11/17/04 19:27

The_Party_Mouse

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Re: Help.

We're still working on it. By now we've been able to reconstruct why and how it happened. But I still fear for the future.

11/18/04 11:47

Arzada_Solace

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Re: Help.

i keep meaning to come in here and give meh 2 cents but i just couldnt think of anything constructive to say. and technically i still don't. and i do believe in listening to ya heart but sometimes you have to listen to one and let the other guide you. ya brain and heart have to work together. at least thats what i believe in. the heart might keep you stuck in the same situation and the brain will make things more complicated then they already are. if it happens again. then leave. the last thing you need in your life is more pain and trouble and worries. worrying is evil. it makes you ill. youll just have to trust her that it wont happen again. cause if theres no trust. then its a relation that will soon fail. but i'm a kitty that likes borrowing things. so what do i know.

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11/18/04 12:32

AzDraon

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Re: Help.

I dont believe in 2nd chances. I have had 2 gf cheat on me and 1 I dated for a year...thats not nearly as long as 2.5...but yeah...the other was only 4 months. They both came back to me, I said no. I feel if you had the urge to do it once, you will have it agian. If you werent sure before, and are sure now...then we shouldnt be together because you had doubts that went so deep to cheat.

Breaks are soemthing entirely different. If 2 people agree to have a break and see other people for like a couple weeks and after that want to get back together. Then its ok. Because you talked about it and didnt jump in the sack without discussing it first.

I know im harsh, but I am extremely loyal to any GF...even if we arent getting along.

***THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED***

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11/18/04 14:42

DJBuddha

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Re: Help.

I guess the only thing I could say here is that there are 3 important questions that you need to be able to answer.

1. Do you love her?
2. Do you trust her?
3. If you don't trust her, will you be able to rebuild that trust?

I think a few people have said it better than I in this thread... but ultimately it comes to what you can grow from, what you can live with, and what makes you happiest in the long run. Women and men alike are feeling creatures... though the testosterone challenged of us have a harder time showing it. There is no easy answer, and none of us here can tell you what to do... but we can tell you even though it's not an easy spot to be in you have to make your decision based on what YOU feel.

'nuff said
*picks up his soap box and wanders off to find something shiny*

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11/18/04 15:27

Buggass

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Re: Help.

err what i would do is say forget her theres lots of other fish in the sea but thats comeing from a teenager so... er yah

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11/18/04 15:36

CrystalStar1

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Re: Help.

Ok. I have to agree with what most have said here.....and for many reasons I can't share I wish I could help more. It took a lot for me to even read past the first post here cause this is a touchy issue, but what Buddha said is more important than anything......Trust is going to be the main issue. If you don't think you can ever trust her (never to do or even think of doing).....you have more problems than you think. If you think you can rebuild that trust and forgive, you two could build something far stronger and far better than anything you had before. As for therapy, since you are both already in therapy, perhaps you should see of either of your councilers will consider having a meeting with both of you to discuss the issues and how to move past them given your other concerns. Will it come up again, during fights probably....for a while......she has broken what it has taken 2.5 years to build - that will take a while to get over. Eventually, if you make it through, you will probably come to think of it as a bump in the road and little more. People make mistakes - when they realize it and are willing to change and grow because of it......they get stronger and closer. Take everything you have been advised here and talk things over (though it sounds like you already have been - which is good). Decide what is right for you. Communication is the key. Use it.

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11/18/04 15:47

BDGnome

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Re: Help.

Buddha: Well put man, well put.

11/18/04 16:23

Arzada_Solace

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Re: Help.

and if not. i have this rubber ball here. you can bounce it. and if you miss. just pick it up and try again.

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11/18/04 16:25

Canada_Man

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Re: Help.

TAKE HER BACK FOOL!
*Slaps Party Mouse*
A tad crude, but it had to be done.

11/18/04 16:59

Agent_Green

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Re: Help.

My opinion probably won't matter too much after all that's been said. However, since this was planned, and you warned her, you should keep your word. Kick her ass to the curb. Anyone who really loves you isn't going to hurt you like that with a clear conscience. I'm inclined to forgive bouts of very poor judgement (particularly if alcohol is involved), but for her to outright defy the relationship like that is nuts.

This is always a complicated mess when you live with someone because you get to see them everyday which can keep the wounds from healing. The first thing you need to do is either make sure you can meet your expenses on your own, or see if you can get a roommate or something. If that's not going to work, I'd suggest a friend with bennies...at least that'll put you two on an even keel (and I'm a vindictive prick like that).

If you let this slide totally, tatoo "welcome" on your chest and prepare to be a doormat for whatever other affairs she's going to have later.

And you're looking down the barrel of a 50 cal...

11/18/04 17:31

The_Party_Mouse

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Joined: 12/31/1969
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Re: Help.

I'll just add a final update.

After a week of "trying", I realized she isn't ready to do anything to regain my trust or do anything to show me that she's sorry about what happened. So I decided to end it. We'll be living together for a month or two, until she's found somewhere else to live.

It's hard to have her around me, but she put me through a lot of hurting lately and as long as I remember that, it's easier.

Thanks for your support, people, you made this mouse feel a lot less lonesome.

Edit: I asked Van to send you all a shoutout with my thanks. I hope some of you heard it.

***THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED***

11/21/04 08:48

NerdyChick

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Re: Help.

**Hugs the Party Mouse**

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11/21/04 09:01

Sapphire_Gypsy

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Re: Help.

Big hug for Mouse. As long as you made a decision you're comfortable with then more power to you.

I will give you one last piece of advise... now that you've decided it's over... do not let her try and fix things. If she weren't willing to try it when you were willing to be together then don't let it sway you because she's trying to keep from moving.

Life is full of people who are there to lift you up and bring you down... don't let her be one of both :)

Best of luck to you... and I hope the same thing that happened to me happens to you... after I got rid of the Bad one I found myself a really god one and we've been together for a year now... and I can't see it any other way. :)

I'm not a Super Hero, but I play one on PC!

I didn't even cheat to get the result... first try!

Your results:
You are Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman		92%
Spider-Man		90%
Superman		85%
Green Lantern		85%
Supergirl		82%
The Flash		75%
Robin		65%
Hulk		55%
Iron Man		50%
Catwoman		40%
Batman		40%

You are a beautiful princess
with great strength of character.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

11/21/04 11:40

Sasquatch

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Re: Help.

*huge manly sas hug for mouse*

I know what youre going through man, had the same thing (almost exactly down to a tee) happen to me a few years ago, but i was too thickheaded to realize anything was going on at the time -_-

At any rate, you know how to get in touch if ya need to talk and such =)

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11/21/04 12:21

MMORadioGremlin

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Re: Help.

*gives Party Mouse a big hug and some Hyper Happy Happy Fun songs she stole from Sushi-X*

Happy thoughts for you!

11/22/04 01:23

Metallica_Dan

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Re: Help.

*heterosexual hug*

11/22/04 13:26

CrystalStar1

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Re: Help.

*hugs Party Mouse*

"As darkness falls, night unfolds ebon wings to wrap the world in its dark embrace"

11/22/04 20:02

LadyElectrolite

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Re: Help.

*hugs*

11/22/04 21:04

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