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Demon Slaya of God
Posts: 20
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well i kinda decided to write a poem and it kinda turned out dark... but i still want ppls opinions on it.
As the world go round,
not giving a care,
as people die of misery.
I stand here looking down,
I hear nothing, see nothing
But I feel Everything.
I feel the sorrow,
The hardship,
The pain.
There is no light anymore,
No laughter, no happiness,
Only darkness.
How can such a sad world live?
How does it have the will to breath?
Why live, when you’re doomed to die?
There is but one person beside me.
They stare down to where I stare.
Do they see the same thing?
Do they see the sadness?
The pain?
The misery?
Or do they see the light that I can not see?
Do they see the reason to live?
I can but guess, and hope one day I see it to?
Is this person the one to lead me to the light?
I have so much to ask her,
But yet I can only get a mumble out.
Perhaps she heard me,
As she turns towards me,
As if to tell me “Come, Live, Enjoy!”
But as I turn to join her,
I can not forget about the poor world.
I can still feel it.
I turn back,
And to my surprise I see a light!
Perhaps this world isn’t so doomed.
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| 01/02/08 03:15 |
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Wyat_hawke
Posts: 66
Joined: 06/16/2006
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I write song lyrics myself, so I want to give my thoughts on it.
I might be old-school, but I've always preferred rhymes for some reason. It is not all that hard to work out some a0a0 rhymes here it seems, you should really try that to add some depth.
Secondly, there are some places where there's a lack of rhythm. I can understand it if the purpose is to be totally free from rhymes and rhythm, but you've got it (a sense of rhythm) almost everywhere except for a few places (like the last, final sentence).
I would finally suggest making it 4*12 instead of 3*12. I hardly see poems these days written with only three stanzas, because it will sound more natural with 4 lines, there's no awkward pause when reading it then, since you can have this duality in your voice when speaking (pressuring the first line, light pressure on the second, etc). 3 lines makes that hard, and you end up with pauses in the poem which only disturbs the flow.
As for what I actually read, I really like this part, it's sober and yet at the same time I do not get this extreme sense of misery. One wonders why you are looking "down", and there are other small clues if people care to see them. If you want to make it even more interesting, why not focus slightly more on this girl? I feel she is the cliffhanger of your story really, I get a really mystique feeling when I read your words on her. Couldn't we focus even more on her, perhaps she is why you think this world is so dark at the start? Perhaps you are fooling the reader at first, making them think that this is one of those oh-gosh-so-typical-misery-poems, before you reveal that lost love is the cause? Writing poems with the Cause -> Effect principle isn't easy, but it if it's done successful you really get an "OH" feeling at the end.
However, you do not really need to change the original purpose of the poem, I am just adding my thoughts. I would have liked some rhyming and a bit more of rhythm some places, but really, you have done a good piece of work I must say. Keep on writing, I'll be more than happy to review more later.
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| 01/02/08 04:35 |
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Demon Slaya of God
Posts: 20
Joined: 07/15/2006
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went a little more "emo" with this poem
Where the rain falls red
and the sun rises blue.
Where pain comes naturals
like a twist of a bloody wrist.
I lay here in disbelief,
wonder what happened.
I was once happy,
Through Sun and rain.
but now, even the beauty of life,
does not save me.
For i am but one person,
in a river of many.
And though i am still in that river,
i am left behind.
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| 02/29/08 23:10 |
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hikimi
Posts: 5
Joined: 07/23/2007
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pretty cool. i wite song lyrics. i like writing about opinions and stuff. im always getting called names and being trated weird because i have a really bright personality and weird religious beleifs. im also very active so i use alot of action when i talk. i also have lots of big blonde hair.
i mostly get stick of chavs. sometimes i feel like ur poem.
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| 03/01/08 04:04 |
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thaskippy
Posts: 28
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nice
plz clickzors, i need t3h viewz !
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| 03/01/08 04:12 |
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Wyat_hawke
Posts: 66
Joined: 06/16/2006
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A minute of silence for those who are dead
A minute for all the tears who've been shed
For many reasons, life has passed on
Reasons unknown, reasons are gone
Stick them to your head
A minute of silence for those who are dying
A minute for all the eyes who've been crying
Nobody knows what are their goals
Nobody knows, who'll get their souls
But for now, they'll be staying
A minute of silence for those left behind
A minute for the pain they'll find.
Thrown like a dart
Deep in their Heart
Tearing them apart
Resting in their mind
For us to remind
Is it worse to die from poverty and crime?
Or is it worse to die from bad health and wealth?
How long will you go, to defend the ones you know
Those that you love
Up from above
A minute of silence for life that goes on
A minute for the life that isn't gone
For many reasons, life will go on
Reasons unknown, reasons are gone
But life goes on.
R.I.P. Grandfather, wrote it this yesterday.
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| 03/01/08 05:54 |
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sleep_FTW
Posts: 2
Joined: 09/08/2006
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i write lyrics too, but mine are more fun loving, glam-metal based tunes. but are profane and cannot be posted.
IGN: Sr Snugglesworth
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| 03/01/08 12:21 |
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thaskippy
Posts: 28
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i like this poem :) the only things i found annoying were
the 5th sentence:''Stick them to your head''
and the 10th sentence:''But for now, they'll be staying''
since it sounds kinda odd when a sentence doesn't rhyme with anything else while the other sentences do
| QUOTE |
A minute of silence for those who are dead
A minute for all the tears who've been shed
For many reasons, life has passed on
Reasons unknown, reasons are gone
Stick them to your head
A minute of silence for those who are dying
A minute for all the eyes who've been crying
Nobody knows what are their goals
Nobody knows, who'll get their souls
But for now, they'll be staying
A minute of silence for those left behind
A minute for the pain they'll find.
Thrown like a dart
Deep in their Heart
Tearing them apart
Resting in their mind
For us to remind
Is it worse to die from poverty and crime?
Or is it worse to die from bad health and wealth?
How long will you go, to defend the ones you know
Those that you love
Up from above
A minute of silence for life that goes on
A minute for the life that isn't gone
For many reasons, life will go on
Reasons unknown, reasons are gone
But life goes on.
R.I.P. Grandfather, wrote it this yesterday. |
anyways still a nice poem :)
plz clickzors, i need t3h viewz !
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| 03/01/08 14:10 |
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DarkNshY
Posts: 23
Joined: 01/13/2006
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The only thing that came to my head at your poem was EMO. Cut
duleet @ xfire
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| 03/01/08 14:19 |
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Belshazaarswrath
Posts: 6
Joined: 12/29/2005
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Mind if I share some of my stuff?
Blind Masters and Wicked Slaves
I love you and I hate it when you leave
Your approval is all that I need
I worship you before I even know who you are
You are like a God straight from the stars
I am a slave to a faceless master
A minion to a demon obscure
I sit here and sell my soul to a bastard
And all I will ever get is hurt
You tear me apart with your indifference to my will
I love you so much that it drives me to kill
You steal from me the essence of what I am
Like bandits you silence my family and my friends
Burn my passion and make crumble what I am
Murder me without knowledge.
Butcher me without noticing
Damn me without suspecting
Torture me without seeing
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| 03/01/08 15:32 |
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Wyat_hawke
Posts: 66
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skippy, head rhymes with shed and dead, while staying, dying and crying is also rhyming ;-)
It's a limerick way of writing.
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| 03/01/08 17:09 |
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itsthatemochild
Posts: 18
Joined: 08/12/2006
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wyat, like the poem except for the bit about the dart and the heart. too cliche for me ;)
"The most merciful thing in the world... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents." -H.P. Lovecraft
"He who is not radical at twenty has no heart,
while he who is still radical at forty has no brain."
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| 03/01/08 17:28 |
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thaskippy
Posts: 28
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| QUOTE | skippy, head rhymes with shed and dead, while staying, dying and crying is also rhyming ;-)
It's a limerick way of writing. |
hm didn't even notice xD
staying doesn't rhyme with dying though..
plz clickzors, i need t3h viewz !
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| 03/02/08 12:35 |
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Deathaxe
Posts: 13
Joined: 02/08/2006
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| QUOTE |
A minute of silence for those who are dead
A minute for all the tears who've been shed
For many reasons, life has passed on
Reasons unknown, reasons are gone
Stick them to your head
A minute of silence for those who are dying
A minute for all the eyes who've been crying
Nobody knows what are their goals
Nobody knows, who'll get their souls
But for now, they'll be staying
A minute of silence for those left behind
A minute for the pain they'll find.
Thrown like a dart
Deep in their Heart
Tearing them apart
Resting in their mind
For us to remind
Is it worse to die from poverty and crime?
Or is it worse to die from bad health and wealth?
How long will you go, to defend the ones you know
Those that you love
Up from above
A minute of silence for life that goes on
A minute for the life that isn't gone
For many reasons, life will go on
Reasons unknown, reasons are gone
But life goes on.
R.I.P. Grandfather, wrote it this yesterday. |
My condoleances mate. It's a very nice poem.
Guest me for GvG @ Epica Is Win.
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| 03/02/08 13:32 |
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